12/5/12

Florida Sarcasm Press

In response to the shooting death of Treyvon Martin, the Fla. Legislature recently passed a law making following someone illegal and gives the victim of such criminal act the right to defend themselves by any means necessary. Democrats who originally sponsored the bill neglected to define 'following' though, opting to leave that to the courts but Republicans whose support was needed to pass it demanded following be defined as 'making 3 same turns' as said victim, or 'getting out of your vehicle'.

Upon passing, a rights activist outside the capitol stated 'this is a great day, no longer will suspicious people be subject to gross violations of their right to not be followed in public'.

The bill was passed on Monday and signed by the governor Tuesday morning. By noon however, 18yr old highschool student James Johnson stabbed 73yr old grandmother Anita Jones to death at a Safeway Foods grocery store because she 'followed him up and down every isle'. Sources close to Jones said she had found a $5 bill he had dropped and was only trying to return it. According to police Johnson was taken in for questioning but released after the stores security camera revealed the woman did in fact act in a criminal threatening manner when she followed him through the produce isle, again through the meat section and then down the pasta isle. Johnson then grabbed a kitchen knife from isle 5 and stabbed Jones 3 times.

News reached the state capitol by 3pm and the law was quickly repealed though a new bill is in places which defines criminal following as making 39 same turns instead of 3.